I Need Him
by Hjmugillecuty

RATING: FRC [GF]

SUMMARY: "Who else was going to hold everything up after you left me all alone?" What if she didn't mean Gunn?

SPOILERS: Up to and including "Ground State"

PAIRING: Wes/Fred

DISCLAIMER: These characters do not belong to me; they belong to their original creators

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Are you addicted to a `ship when you watch scenes they have with their current significant others and pull double meanings out of every phrase? If so, Wes and Fred have me, and I don't want to be rehabilitated. Archive permission granted as always to Whole New World and Blue Moon Rising, if you want it.

Fred's POV:

I don't know how much longer I can hold it all together. Everybody thinks I cracked earlier. Charles certainly thinks that. But I didn't, not completely. There were some pieces I was still holding tightly. I couldn't let him know I didn't mean him.

I think the others forget that this hasn't always been my life and what I gave up for the mission. I had a nice, normal upbringing; parents who love me; a college degree; and a good job. Then I was pulled, literally, into this. It wasn't like that for them. The mission has always been part of their lives. Cordelia grew up in a place where strange things happened everyday and she spent high school averting apocalypses. Charles started the fight to protect his sister when they lived on the streets and devoted his life to her, and then it. Angel, well, he's a vampire, and his soul and guilt lead him to follow the mission. And then Wesley. He was trained in all of this his entire life. He never had any other destiny.

But for me, there were so many other things I wanted to be, so many things I wanted to do. I wasn't supposed to end up losing my friends, struggling to hold together a business, trying to raise a patricidal child. I wasn't prepared for it. But what was I supposed to do after he left me all alone?!

I know. I said that earlier. Charles thought I meant him. I didn't, but I let him believe that. He didn't leave; he was only dead for seconds. I can't tell him I meant Wesley.

He died and left me. I know someone is walking around in his body, but it's not my Wesley. My Wesley died when he took Connor and Justine slit his throat. He used to care about us; we used to be his family. I don't think we are anymore and when I finally let that hit me I'm going to drop all the pieces I've been holding together. I need him to come back, I need him to take over for me so I can rest, and I need him to know that I love him. I didn't realize how much until I lost him.

I can't let him stay lost. Cordelia may be home, surrounded by pure joy, but Wesley's not. He's somewhere else, surrounded by hate. I am his home and I have to get him back.

© October 2002

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