Never Intended
by Lara

SUMMARY: Is it possible to love more than one person? Giles and Fred search for the answers in their own hearts.

RATING: FRT [SR] [V] [A] [AU]

PAIRING: Fred/Giles, Fred/Wesley, Giles/Jenny

MENTIONED PAIRINGS: Willow/Tara, Willow/Kennedy

SPOILERS: Through Season 7 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and through Season 3 of Angel.

DISCLAIMER: I only wish I were as successful as Joss Whedon. He and Mutant Enemy own this; I just write fanfic for fun while waiting for my own big break.

DISTRIBUTION: Permission granted to WNW and Blue Moon Rising. If anyone else wants to archive it, please let me know.

FEEDBACK: Very much appreciated. Please e-mail lara@darling-moon.com or click on the banner to the side. Flames, however, will be used to fuel the fire in Wesley’s next spell casting session.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: The Giles muse started talking to me after I wrote “Never Alone", and the thoughts developed into this. This story is a sequel but can probably stand alone. Also, very much an AU.

Giles never intended for it to happen.

It sounded like the flimsiest excuse in the world, yet it was the truth. Fred was still in love with a man who had been dead for several years, and he was still in love with a woman who had been dead for even longer. Neither one of them had been looking for anything to happen, really hadn’t wanted it. And it all started in the most clichéd of ways – getting plastered while trying to drown their sorrows after losing one of their Slayers. It had been a stupid mistake, and both of them felt responsible for her death.

Their grief about that loss had led to drunken recollections of others who had been taken before their time – Wesley and Jenny. They had both felt in some way guilty and responsible for their deaths too and had ended up blubbering into their drinks, something he normally would have been thoroughly embarrassed about had he not been four sheets to the wind at the time. After they had somehow stumbled to a cab, he had insisted on making sure she got home all right. Then being the gentleman he was, he had escorted her to the door. And then inside. And then to her bedroom.

It had been a mutual thing. He needed someone. She needed someone. They needed each other. He cared for Fred quite a lot, of course. Had for a long time. She was a bright and intelligent woman who could hold her own in any conversation about obscure languages and the occult. He had thoroughly enjoyed many discourses with her over the years. She was also strong despite the air of vulnerability she exuded, and she still managed to maintain her sweet temperament despite everything that had happened to her. He could see why Wesley had loved her. In many ways, she reminded him of Jenny, who had been the same age Fred had been when he had met both women, but when she started rambling about something that excited her or when she danced around the office with her daughter April, her was always reminded that she definitely was not Jenny, and he was thankful for that.

They had stumbled clumsily to her bed, fumbling off clothes and kissing each other. April had been off visiting her grandparents in Texas, so at least they hadn’t had to worry about waking the little girl up. It hadn’t been a great, life-changing night, just a few stolen moments of comfort with someone who understood what it was like to lose a loved one before the relationship even had a chance to be what it should have been.

Of course, neither of them had known what to say to the other the next morning.

And despite his promise to himself that it could never – should never – happen again, it had. First when he had stopped by her house one night to pick up a book he needed, one of Wesley’s private collection that he had left to her. Then again, when she had stayed after a group research session at his place. And again and again...until they had completely fallen into something neither of them could define.

No. It wasn’t that they couldn’t define it. It was that they didn’t want to define it. They were happy with the way things were – friendship, companionship, tacit understanding. Saying something about it ran the risk of upsetting the balance they had found.

So why was he wanting to say something to her?

He knew exactly why. Because Willow had been right.

She had come into his office a few days before to find him staring into space, the book sitting on his desk not even opened.

“Did a daydream demon attack while I wasn’t looking?”

Giles blinked his eyes in surprise, gazing over at the red-headed Witch/Watcher. “Huh?”

“Guess not. What’s up, Mister Space Out? You haven’t even started your part of the project. Weren’t you the one who said it was oh-so-important?”

“Um...yes...I suppose I was. I just...was thinking.”

“’Bout what?” She hitched herself up onto the desk practically in front of him.

“Nothing...nothing that concerns you, I assure you.” Reaching past her, he pulled the book over and opened it in an attempt to push the subject aside.

“You were thinking about Fred, weren’t you?” Willow asked, never one to be deterred.

“Wh—what makes you say that?”

“Oh, please...it’s obvious the way you look at her when you think no one sees. If I were sleeping with her, I’d look at her that way too. She’s gorgeous and has great lips and...okay, I think I probably should just stop right there.”

Giles shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He had gotten used to Willow sharing his appreciation for females over the years but never one he had a relationship with. “Your point?”

“My point is that you two are not exactly the most secret secret. Have you told her that you love her?”

“What?!” He practically shot out of his chair at this. “Of course not—I mean...in love with Fred? Don’t be preposterous.”

“Ah...so it’s all about sex?”

“Yes! No! I don’t...” Letting out a defeated sigh, he paced over to his office window and rested his head against the glass. “I don’t know what we have, Willow.”

She shifted so she could rest her feet on his now vacated chair, propping her elbows on her knees with her chin in her hands. “Does this have anything to do with Jenny?”

At the sound of her name, he closed his eyes for a moment. It had been so long, yet the thought of her still made his heart ache. He knew he would always love her, that she would always have claim to a part of him no one else could ever have. But when he was with Fred, he felt things he had tried to bury so long ago. “Is—is it possible to be in love with two people?”

“Yes.”

The simplicity of the answer took him by surprise, causing him to open his eyes and tilt his head toward her. She was sitting up now, her eyes glittering in the muted sunlight coming in through the window. “Tara was my girl, Giles. And I was hers. We both knew that. I will always love her as long as I live, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love Kennedy. What I feel for her is different. It’s not like what I had with Tara, but I wouldn’t want it to be.”

“Does—does Kennedy...?”

“Know? Understand? Of course. She sort of figured it out when she had play fairy tale princess to break the Warren Frog Prince spell that Amy hexed me with.”

“Warren...Frog Prince?”

“Oh, right. Didn’t I tell you about that? Oops. Bad me.”

Giles shook his head.

“Anyway, Giles, you can love two people. Besides, I would think Jenny would want you to be happy.”

“It’s not just Jenny, Willow.”

She looked at him in confusion, her brows drawn together, then suddenly realized what he meant. “Wesley.”

“Wesley,” he confirmed with a nod.

“You worried about what Wesley would think or whether Fred is over him?”

“I know she’ll never be ‘over him’. That’s why—.”

“You haven’t said anything. Giles, the only way you’ll ever know is to try.”

Damn her if she wasn’t right. There was no way he could go on the way they had been. He found he wanted more. He had fallen in love somewhere along the way – with the way she loved to learn new things, with the way she rambled, with the way her glasses perched on her nose while she was focused on her work, with the way she was the only one to ever call him Rupert. He had fallen in love with her.

But would she be able to give more? He didn’t want her not to love Wesley anymore – they had shared something that no on else could, just as he had with Jenny. He knew there was no forgetting that. It was symbolized by the emerald ring she always wore, her use of his name.

Could she, however, possibly make room in her heart for another as he had?

Steeling himself, he picked up his jacket and headed for the door. Maybe it had been a great, life-changing night after all.

*****

“Tell me another story, Mommy.”

Fred bit back a laugh at the pleading tone in her daughter’s voice. April was quite well practiced at getting what she wanted from all the adults who made up the Council’s Inner Circle, but she resolved to stay firm in the face of her little girl’s manipulations. “I’ve already told you two. Now go to bed.”

“But, Mommy...” April put on her best earnest expression, the one that got Rupert every single time.

“No. Time to sleep.” With that, she gave her a kiss and stood up, pulling the covers up over her. “Goodnight, sweetie.”

“Night, Mommy.” Despite her protests for another story, the almost six-year-old was already falling asleep.

Fred had just snapped off the overhead light and closed the bedroom door behind her when the doorbell rang. Hurrying downstairs, she wasn’t overly surprised to find Rupert standing there, his hands in his jacket pockets.

“Hey...come in,” she said, standing aside to let him step into the foyer. “You’re just in time. April just settled down for the night, and I was going to put on Excalibur. Want to join me?”

Reaching out, he caught her hand before she could slip past to the kitchen and pulled her back toward him. “Actually...”

“Ohhhh.” Fred wrapped her arms around him and stood up on her tiptoes to kiss him.

Giles couldn’t help but respond to her, kissing her for a few moments until he broke off and shifted back, looking down into her eyes. He hand trailed up to caress her cheek. “Actually, I wanted to talk.”

“’Bout what?” she asked, moving them toward the stairs.

“Us.”

This stopped her cold in mid-step. Slowly, she brought her foot down so she was standing straight, her head tilted up. “Us?” her voice echoed in a whisper.

He nodded then pointed toward the family room. “Can we?”

They went into the other room and sat down on the sectional together though Fred perched herself in the corner, her legs folded up underneath herself. She stared at him in silence, and he knew she wanted him to begin.

“I...uh...” He shifted a bit so he could see her better, his own leg coming up to rest on the couch. “I...I know that we’ve been...well, that we’ve been together for a while now...but we’ve never...Fred, we need to...I want us...I want us to be more.”

“More?” She suddenly felt her hands starting to shake as she clasped them together in his lap.

“More. I don’t want just to be the man you come to just for comfort. I want to be the man you come to all the time. I want us to be together properly.” He paused for moment before saying his next words. “I love you, Fred.”

Her heart pounding loudly in her eyes, she felt her breath caught in her throat. He had just said... Did he understand what he was asking of her? Didn’t he know...? She thought he understood. “I...Rupert, I...”

He could see the uncertainty, confusion and fear in her eyes. He wanted to reach out to her, take her hands, pull her into his arms, but he found that didn’t dare move. Damn. Maybe he should never have said anything at all. But it was too late – it was out there. He wouldn’t pretend it wasn’t true...because he wouldn’t lie.

“I know you’ll always love Wesley. I’ll always love Jenny. But somewhere in the middle of everything, I found that I fell in love with you as well.”

Fred closed her eyes, not sure what to say to him, not able to say anything to him. Part of her wanted to tell him that she felt the way he did, that she always had, but another part of her didn’t want to face this. It told her to run away and lock herself up before she was hurt again. How could she love anyone that way ever again? How could she betray him? “Rupert...I ca—I...”

Jumping up from the couch, she paced over to the fireplace and placed her hands on the mantle, staring into the hearth that she hadn’t cleaned since winter, the last time she and April had built a fire on Christmas Day. Rupert had come over and spent the holiday with them – before any of this between the two of them had started.

Suddenly, she felt a gentle touch on the back of her neck. Her eyes closed as she stopped breathing, and the pressure grew to a soft tickle. It was so achingly familiar, someone stroking long fingers up and down her spine. With a gasp, she opened her eyes and turned around, half-expecting to find herself staring into a pair of haunted blue eyes she thought she would never see again.

Of course, she knew it wasn’t him. Would never be him. Instead, she found herself staring into the steady green eyes of the man she...

She what?

Trembling, she backed away. He was asking too much. Didn’t he realize that? She couldn’t. She just couldn’t. “I’m sorry.”

Without another word, she ducked away, not knowing what to do. She didn’t know what she was feeling. She just couldn’t stay there, that was all she knew. She had to get out.

She headed for the back door, throwing it opened and running outside into the night, leaving Giles standing there, feeling his own heart about to break.

*****

The house sat on a property bordered by a stream that meandered into some nearby woods. Fred found herself following the water through the trees until she came to a familiar clearing where she dropped to her knees and stared up at the cloudy night sky – or what of it was not obscured by the foliage. Her chest heaved from both her running and the emotions she felt constricting her heart but couldn’t seem to let out.

Why did he have to try to change things? What they had had been perfect...but he wanted to mess with it. And she couldn’t...she didn’t want anything to change. She liked them the way they were. It was fine. It was all she needed beside her work and her daughter. It was...

Safe.

The word echoed in her mind, in the soft gurgling of the stream nearby and hit her in her gut. Safe had been her relationship with Charles – and it had cost her Wesley, in more ways than one. Safe had been her retreat to her parents when she had discovered she was pregnant – and it had kept her from living life. Safe have been her caves, her markers, everything she had ever used to protect herself.

And despite her promise to herself, she was still playing it safe.

She just didn’t think she could stand losing her heart again.

*****

Giles sat in Fred’s living room in the somewhat broken-down chair by the fireplace, his head propped in his hands, his palms pressed against his closed eyes. He could hear the backdoor banging slightly against its doorframe from being left ajar, the wind whistling a rather mournful dirge through the opening.

“I screwed it all up,” he muttered. “I drove her away.”

“You can’t give up,” a soft voice, soothing and low, told him. “If you had given up on us, we wouldn’t have had the time together that we did.”

He looked up at the woman standing before him and felt his throat tighten. “Jenny.”

“England.” She moved to kneel in front of him, her gypsy skirt settling around her in soft billows of material.

“Is it really you?” he asked, his hand reaching out but not touching her. “The other times...it wasn’t you. It wasn’t real.”

“It’s really me. Not some dream, not some mind trick.” Her fingers pressed against his lips, warm and soft like a kiss. God...so real. “You can’t give up on her. You need each other, especially now.”

Giles shook his head. “No. I was idiotic to think that we could have more. We both...we’re both still in love with other people. Always will be. How could I have thought we could love two people?”

“Because you can. Rupert, what we had for the short time we had it was wonderful – and I know if things had gone differently, we’d be together today. But that didn’t happen.”

A sad smile on his face, he reached up to caress her temples, remember how he had done so the first time they had slept together. Before Angelus. Before the whole mess. “I miss you. I don’t think a day goes by where I don’t think about you.”

Jenny leaned into his touch. “I know, England.”

“I wish I could have—.”

“Sssh,” she told him, her fingers running up into his hair and down across his jawline. “We’ll be together soon enough, though. Right now, you belong with Fred. She needs your love as much as you need hers.”

“Will she even give me that chance?”

*****

“I knew you’d be here.”

Fred looked up, tears in her eyes, her chin trembling. At first, she didn’t want to believe it – he hadn’t been back to her in so long. But he was standing there, still same. Still her Wesley.

But she couldn’t make her voice work, couldn’t make herself move. She was frozen, her body almost rigid from all the feelings that pressed upon her, made it hard for her to even breathe.

“You always seem to come out here when you want to talk to me,” he continued, walking over to sit down next to her. He reached out to cup his hand against her neck, and she suddenly found herself melting at his touch as her eyes closed.

“Reminds me...where I first saw you,” she murmured. “On Pylea.”

“I didn’t even think you noticed me. You were rather attached to Angel.”

“I noticed.” She opened her eyes to gaze at him, wanting to lose herself in him and never come out again. Stay where it was safe. “I just didn’t realize...”

Moving his finger to her lips, he shushed her gently, the warmth of his touch spreading through her. “It’s all right. I know, but you can’t dwell on it forever. You can’t let yourself close down again.”

“I—I can’t let anyone in again. I can’t. It hurts too much when...” She stopped, dropping her head. “When they leave.”

“I didn’t want to leave you, Fred.”

“But you did! Even if you hadn’t died, you were going to leave anyway! I can’t go through it again. I can’t lose someone else I love!”

She and Wesley gazed at each other in silence for several moments, the words palpable – she had admitted something she had refused to before, even to herself.

“You didn’t leave me alone, but you left me, Wesley. We can never be together. And Rupert...”

“Giles won’t leave you. He loves you; he loves our daughter. He just wants a chance to show you.” Wesley took her hands in his. “Give him a chance. For me. We’ll be together, I promise. But now...go be with him. Live your life. Don’t hide. Don’t play it safe. Life’s too short for that.”

A tear slid down her cheek as she squeezed his hands, not wanting to let them go. He was right, but it was convincing herself to accept it that was so damn hard. “I’m scared.”

“I know, love,” he whispered. “But you’ve been through so much and survived. You can do this too. I know you can. And you don’t have to do to it alone.”

“I wish you could stay.”

“I wish I could too, but I can’t. Giles will.”

Without answering him, Fred crawled closer, wrapping her arms around and burying her head against his chest. She knew she couldn’t hide anymore, knew that she had to continue her life – and deep down she knew she wanted to continue with Rupert. It was taking that first step. That was going to be the hardest.

*****

Though she knew it was selfish in a way, Jenny wanted nothing more than to stay there with him, have it just be the two of them. But she knew it wasn’t possible. Not now. “Convince her, England. Go find her and convince her. Make her listen. You’re good at that.”

“But—.”

“Go.”

Giles glanced toward the stairwell that was partially visible through the living room entrance. “April...”

“She’ll be safe.”

Knowing that she would be, he nodded and rose, bringing Jenny up to her feet with him. They stared at each other for several moments before he leaned forward to place a kiss on her lips. Then, with a smile, he headed out the backdoor to find Fred.

*****

“He’s coming to find you.”

Fred looked up in uncertainty. “Rupert?”

Wesley nodded. “Please, love, listen to what he says. Don’t shut him out. Do it for me.”

“I...I don’t know...” Seeing the look in his eyes, she took a deep breath. “But I’ll try.”

With a smile, he drew her to him, kissing her deeply. Fred’s eyes closed for a moment, but then she heard another voice calling her name. When she opened her eyes again, she was sitting alone by the little brook. She heard her name called again.

“I’m here, Rupert.”

A moment later, he entered the clearing, running over to her and dropping down to his knees in front of her. “I wasn’t sure where you might have gone. I’m—I’m sorry I upset you, but it needed to be said. I couldn’t...we can’t go on the way we have, Fred.”

Looking down at the ground, she nodded. “I know. It’s just...” She took a deep breath. “It hurts, you know? By the time I realized how I felt about Wesley, it was too late. I just don’t know if my heart can take that again.”

“Then don’t wait until it is. Not this time. I waited too long with Jenny. I allowed so many things to come between us that by the time I realized that the only thing that mattered was her, it ended up being too late.”

She raised her head, her eyes meeting his in dim moonlight. “Do you realize what you’re getting yourself into? I’m not the most stable woman on this planet, you know.”

“After everything you’ve been through, I think you’ve been doing pretty well.” Reaching out to her, he cupped her face, running his thumb across her cheek. “I don’t want to change things overnight, but I do want more with you. We can start slowly.”

“Slowly how?”

“How about dinner? Tomorrow night. I’m sure Willow and Kennedy would be glad to baby-sit.”

With a gentle smile and tears in her eyes, she nodded.

*****

He was already there when Jenny entered the room, sitting on the bed, running his hand through April’s hair as she slept. She leaned against the doorframe and watched him. Father and daughter.

“He’s gone to her.”

“I know,” Wesley answered quietly.

“Are you going to be okay?”

Brushing a strand of hair out of his daughter’s face, he sighed. “It had to be done. They need each other. And I can’t think of a better man to be father to my daughter. It’s just...”

“You feel like it should be you out there.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment before finally nodding. Looking up at her, he could see that she felt the same way. Silently, he rose from the bed and leaned over to kiss April’s forehead. “Goodnight,” he whispered to her then turned to Jenny. Both of them knew it was time to go.

*****

Fifteen Years Later

They had married the following year on New Year’s Day. The twins – Jenny and Wesley – had been born seven months later. April had been thrilled to have two siblings and a stepfather who adored her as much as he did her mother and the twins. They had become a family that was also part of a larger one – the reformed Council of Watchers.

April grew up to have her father’s ear for languages and her mother’s head for science, and when she reached her eighteenth birthday, she followed in her mother’s, father’s and stepfather’s footsteps and joined the Council herself as an Initiate. Within three years, she was ready to become a full member.

The night of her induction, a rather vicious demon clan attacked the Council headquarters – probably on the behest of Wolfram and Hart, which had been trying to infiltrate them ever since they had begun to rebuild twenty years before. The Watchers and Slayers had immediately rallied together to fight back, destroying most of the clan and running the rest of them off.

But not without a price. Two Slayers and five Watchers had been killed during the fight. Three had been poisoned by venom the demons secreted through their claws.

Including Fred.

And there was no known cure for the poison. Just death.

Just. There was no just about it, Giles thought as he watched his wife labor to breath, lying in the bed in the clinic, hooked up to an IV and heart monitor. The other two had died within the last two hours. Running a hand through his grey hair, he glanced up at April as she entered the room. She looked so much like her mother had when they had met twenty years before, save for the blue eyes.

“Where are Wesley and Jenny?” he asked softly.

“Aunt Willow’s taken them home.”

He nodded. It was probably for the best. They saw enough horrors as it was in their life as the children of two Watchers. They didn’t need to see their mother die this way. “You should go home and rest, too.”

“No.”

“April—.”

“No, Dad. I want to stay here.”

“April,” this time the speaker was Fred, her voice almost non-existent. She looked up at her daughter with a gentle smile. “Go. Go home, baby.”

“I don’t want to leave you.”

“Please...don’t want...remember me this way.”

She shook her head. “Mom, please.”

“I...love you, baby. Please...go be...with your brother and sister. They need you.”

April glanced from her mother to her stepfather, not wanting to leave. But finally, she nodded. Leaning over, she kissed Fred’s forehead. “I love you too, Mom.”

Giles watched her as she turned and left. It wasn’t fair. She had never known her biological father, and now she was losing her mother. No matter how much he loved her as his own daughter, he knew he could never replace what she had lost.

“Rupert...”

Turning his head, he leaned forward, taking his wife’s hand. “Yes, love?”

“I don’t...don’t want to die here. Please...” She looked at him with pleading brown eyes. “Can we...?”

He knew he probably shouldn’t, but he couldn’t deny her this.

*****

Giles took her to the clearing near the stream by their house. The trees had grown taller with time, and the underbrush thicker, but the path had still been there. In the dawning light, he sat against a rock with her in his arms, her head nestled in the crook of his shoulder. He could still remember the night fifteen years before when he had found her out here. He remembered how he had never intended anything to have ever happened between them, yet it had, and now here they were, fifteen years later.

And now he was losing her. Like he had lost Jenny.

“Rupert.”

He gazed down at her. She was starting off into space, her eyes glazing over from the poison that was spreading through her body. “Yes?”

“Thank you. For everything.”

A sad smile spread across his face. “You’re welcome.”

“I love you. I don’t think...I’ve said that enough.”

“I love you, too.”

As she lay there, she could feel it becoming harder and harder to breath. It was also becoming harder to see. She blinked her eyes, and suddenly everything seemed clearer in the pinkish-orange of the dawn. And standing in front of them, holding his hand out to her...

“Wesley,” she whispered, raising her arm up though it felt heavy and sluggish.

Taking her hand, Wesley drew her up to him, holding her close. She looked up into his eyes and, without looking back, knew what had happened. He leaned down and kissed her gently then led her to the edge of the clearing where a woman waited.

“Jenny?” Fred asked.

“Hello, Fred,” she answered with a smile.

Fred glanced from Wesley to Jenny. “Will Rupert—?”

“He’ll be fine.”

Nodding, Fred finally glanced back to where Rupert was sitting, holding her body close, tears running down his face. She knew she had been lucky to have the love of two wonderful men in her life. “Goodbye, Rupert,” she said then turned back to Wesley. The two of them walked into the woods together and disappeared.

Jenny watched them go before crossing the clearing and kneeling next Giles. Running her hand over his hair, she leaned in to give him a kiss, one that felt to him like the barest fluttering of the wind. She then stood and headed the way Wesley and Fred had gone, stopping at the edge to take one last look.

“I’ll be back for you, England, when it’s time. I promise.”

As she disappeared, Giles found himself staring at a spot in the woods across the clearing, unable to understand why. After a few moments, he gathered Fred’s body up and rose, heading back to the house and his children.

© April 2004

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